A Five Step Spiritual Plan to Deal with Being Single or Any Life Challenge
We believe that ultimately, everything comes from God for our highest good. If you are currently single (or whatever your challenge is), even though you have made reasonable efforts to find a suitable spouse, then at least in this moment, being single is for your highest good.
We often don’t understand the benefits of our challenges, but they are there nonetheless. Many people went through difficulties, and in hindsight, they realized how they benefited. Some of the ways people have benefited from their challenges: It brought out their true capabilities and hidden potential, it led to financial opportunities, it led to new relationships or deepening current ones, it helped them become more connected to Judaism and establish a personal relationship with God, it helped them realign their priorities and spend more time on meaningful activities, it helped them become more compassionate and spiritual, and less self-centered and materialistic.
There are times though, when even hindsight does not help us understand a difficulty we went through. Some forms of suffering are so intense that they are beyond human comprehension. In Heaven though, we will understand. In the meantime, don’t put your life on hold. With the tools you currently have, live your best life now! In addition, use challenges to grow personally and spiritually, and look for ways to help others. Suffering is a powerful force; it can either propel you away from God or into His embrace. Use it to bring you closer to God. No matter how angry or bitter you are, He is still your Father in Heaven. He still loves you and wants a closer relationship with you.
Sometimes, a person may mistakenly think (Deuteronomy 8:17), “… My power and the might of my hand has gotten me this wealth.” They fall into the trap of thinking they don’t need God and can succeed without Him. But then they face a difficulty that they can’t easily overcome, such as being single. A single person can do everything right and still not find a spouse! It’s humbling; the ego is deflated, and we realize how powerless and helpless we are without God. We say to Him, “God, I don’t know why You want me to be single right now, but since that is currently Your will, I accept it and I will try to make the most of it. I don’t need anything to change to live a meaningful life. Right now, by doing Your will, I can live a fulfilling life. I trust You to know what is best for me and I surrender to You.”
When you accept the life God gives you, even if it’s not the life you expected, you can find within your present situation, peace, meaning, fulfillment and even joy. Surrendering to God does not mean giving up. He still wants to hear your prayers and for you to make reasonable efforts to improve your situation. Surrendering to God means letting go: Letting go of your ego and the life it wanted, letting go of resisting challenges and instead embracing the life God gives you. You do your part to address your difficulties, but you leave the outcome up to God and trust that whatever He does will be for your highest good.
Trusting in God involves two core beliefs:
1. While you make reasonable efforts to enhance your life, you trust that everything that happens to you ultimately comes from God for your highest good. (You will know when you have achieved a level of this belief when you feel a measure of peace and acceptance toward your challenges, even as you do your best to address them.)
2. Because God loves you and can do anything, trust and expect that He will help you. (When and how He decides.) No matter how bleak things look, in an instant, God can help you in miraculous ways. (You will know when you have achieved a level of this belief when you feel optimistic and hopeful. You do your part, and expect that God will help you; perhaps not in the way you anticipated, but when and what you need.)
To enhance your faith, try the following: Tune into God’s presence, which surrounds you always. Then think about a difficulty and speak to God from your heart, asking for His help, preferably out loud. Here’s one possibility: “God, I know You are here, listening to me right now. I know that everything in my life comes from You for my highest good and out of Your love for me. Even though I believe that, I’m having trouble seeing the good in my challenges. I’m in a lot of pain. Without You, I am helpless and powerless. But with Your help, anything is possible! You can instantaneously solve my problems. I need Your help! Please help me with this challenge! Please help me feel Your guidance, strength and love. Help me trust in You and accept Your will. I surrender to You.”
A shorter version: “God, I know that this challenge is from You for my ultimate benefit and out of Your love for me. Please guide me to do my part to overcome this challenge and to make the most of my life now. I trust You. I accept Your will. I thank You for all the hidden and revealed ways You are helping me. I love You and I surrender to You.”
When speaking to God, it’s important to first thank Him for His blessings and to try to feel gratitude and love for Him. No matter how difficult your life is right now, you have a choice of either only focusing on your difficulties, or also appreciating your blessings.
Dating coach Jackie Glaser, jackieglaser.com, shared the following words of inspiration during an interview with her husband Aharon for the podcast (meaningfulminute.org), Stories of Hope with Tzipora Grodko, “Married at 44, Baby at 50: A Story of Faith & Resilience.” She compared waiting for God to help us with a challenge to a baby waiting for their mother to warm up the milk. The baby is crying, wondering where the milk is, but the mother knows that she's warming up the milk and that the baby will soon get it. Even while you cry out in pain to God, know that He's warming up the milk for you! He’s preparing your personal salvation.
Talking specifically about the "milk" of waiting to find one’s spouse, Jackie said, "And for some people, that milk will come in different forms, in different times, in different ways, in different packages and sometimes even in a different lifetime, for some people. But you just have to know that it's coming from love and it's for your good and we're going to thank God for that. It's so hard to say in the middle of the pain. If someone's in pain I wouldn't say that, I would give them a hug, but that's the truth..."
A five step spiritual plan to deal with being single or any life challenge:
1. Talk to yourself words of faith. The next time you think about a challenge, and you hear the voice in your head saying, “No! This is bad!” Calmly and compassionately, remind yourself that everything that happens to you comes from God for your highest good and that this too is for your ultimate benefit. See if instead of resisting the challenge, you can be more accepting of it and say to yourself, “Ok. I will grow from this,” or perhaps, “Yes! This will work out,” or even, “Thank you God! I will benefit from this!” In addition, preferably daily, read spiritual works or listen to classes on faith.
2. Pray. Talk out loud to God in your native language, thank Him for His blessings and ask for His help. Don’t pray that a particular relationship works out (or for a specific outcome; only God knows what’s best for us). Pray for clarity. Pray for help with an issue. Pray that God sends you your spouse. Pray for other singles as well. Pray even for those who rejected you, that they too find someone right for them. If you’re feeling drained or overwhelmed, you can just ask God to give you strength. As challenges come up during the day, turn to Him for help with them. In the moment of peak stress, when you're not sure if things will work out or even in a moment of pain, after you experience a setback, rejection, failure, or loss, remind yourself that God is in total control and is guiding your life for your ultimate good.
3. Make reasonable efforts. To find a spouse, work on your issues and become your best self, ask a mentor or dating coach for advice, and actively look for dates. When you go out on a date, give them your undivided attention and see if this relationship can work (if it can’t, think if you know anyone for them). Even while you put in the effort to find a spouse, know that ultimately God is the Matchmaker. He is the One who will decide when and who you marry.
4. Expect God’s help. Open your vessel wider to receive God’s blessing by believing and expecting that He will send you blessing (if you do your part). God has given you everything you have in life. He is limitless and wants to shower you with blessing. Be open to receiving them and don’t place unrealistic demands on the type of blessing you are willing to receive. (For example, a man insisting on a woman much younger than him, or a woman insisting on a man with a high-paying job, or either one insisting on someone who not only do they find attractive, but they think their friends will also find attractive. When in doubt, speak to your mentor.)
5. Rely on God. Cultivate that calm, peaceful feeling that comes with knowing that God has your back and that you can relax into His support. Ask yourself, “If I fully believed that God was overseeing every aspect of my life and that He will send my spouse at the right time, how would I feel right now?” Relax into that feeling of being loved and supported. Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik wrote (Essay on Bitachon: 32), “The main point of trust (in God) is quieting your spirit and heart and casting upon God your burden.” Every day, as best you can, tap into that feeling of peace, acceptance and letting go that comes with relying on God.
The 3 stages of trusting in God
The journey of strengthening one's faith often progresses along three stages. This journey often involves two steps forward and one step back. The first phase is where you talk to yourself and to God words of faith, even though they may not resonate with you. During this phase, you may experience the first four stages of grief as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross which are denial, anger, bargaining and depression (or sadness). Then comes the second stage of faith which is characterized by acceptance (Elisabeth's 5th and final stage of grieving), where your resistance to your challenges lessens, but you're still not feeling that release of "letting go and letting God." Then comes the third stage of faith, this is where you surrender to God and trust Him to lead you where you need to go. Even after you reach the third stage, you may get triggered by something and find yourself back at the first stage feeling denial, anger, bargaining or sadness. That's normal. You start again to move to the second stage, of acceptance, and then to the third stage. This time around though, you may notice that the third stage of surrender feels even deeper than before, and the cycle continues.
3 mindsets to have when dealing with a challenge:
1. Realize that you’re not alone. God has your back. He is with you, giving you the strength you need to persevere. (Speak to God, thank Him for the blessings in your life and even for this difficulty which is for your highest good. After you’ve thanked Him, ask for His help.)
2. Embrace or at least accept the challenge and as best you can, surrender to God’s will. Acknowledge that God’s ways are beyond you and trust that somehow this challenge is for your ultimate good.
3. Make reasonable efforts to address the difficulty (which often includes asking others for advice or help).
Bring to mind a challenge, and think about which of these 3 mindsets do you need to strengthen?
Perhaps you feel very alone and weighed down by your problems. You may find reciting Psalms and talking to God helpful. Perhaps you already are speaking to God daily and asking for His help, but you rarely thank Him and feel gratitude for what is going right in your life.
Perhaps you resist your challenges and tense up just thinking about them. Listening to classes and reading works on faith may help you become more accepting.
Perhaps you are spending too much time and energy frantically searching for solutions, and you may need to ease up. Perhaps you have given up hope and have stopped trying, or you mistakenly think that if you trust in God you don’t have to make any efforts. You may find it helpful to speak to your spiritual mentor for encouragement and advice.
It is challenging dealing with a challenge!
But if God gave it to you, He knows that you can handle it and that you will become stronger because of it.
To be notified of new articles or book releases, you can subscribe at https://jacobweiland.substack.com.
This chapter was taken from my new book, Make It Personal.
We often don’t understand the benefits of our challenges, but they are there nonetheless. Many people went through difficulties, and in hindsight, they realized how they benefited. Some of the ways people have benefited from their challenges: It brought out their true capabilities and hidden potential, it led to financial opportunities, it led to new relationships or deepening current ones, it helped them become more connected to Judaism and establish a personal relationship with God, it helped them realign their priorities and spend more time on meaningful activities, it helped them become more compassionate and spiritual, and less self-centered and materialistic.
There are times though, when even hindsight does not help us understand a difficulty we went through. Some forms of suffering are so intense that they are beyond human comprehension. In Heaven though, we will understand. In the meantime, don’t put your life on hold. With the tools you currently have, live your best life now! In addition, use challenges to grow personally and spiritually, and look for ways to help others. Suffering is a powerful force; it can either propel you away from God or into His embrace. Use it to bring you closer to God. No matter how angry or bitter you are, He is still your Father in Heaven. He still loves you and wants a closer relationship with you.
Sometimes, a person may mistakenly think (Deuteronomy 8:17), “… My power and the might of my hand has gotten me this wealth.” They fall into the trap of thinking they don’t need God and can succeed without Him. But then they face a difficulty that they can’t easily overcome, such as being single. A single person can do everything right and still not find a spouse! It’s humbling; the ego is deflated, and we realize how powerless and helpless we are without God. We say to Him, “God, I don’t know why You want me to be single right now, but since that is currently Your will, I accept it and I will try to make the most of it. I don’t need anything to change to live a meaningful life. Right now, by doing Your will, I can live a fulfilling life. I trust You to know what is best for me and I surrender to You.”
When you accept the life God gives you, even if it’s not the life you expected, you can find within your present situation, peace, meaning, fulfillment and even joy. Surrendering to God does not mean giving up. He still wants to hear your prayers and for you to make reasonable efforts to improve your situation. Surrendering to God means letting go: Letting go of your ego and the life it wanted, letting go of resisting challenges and instead embracing the life God gives you. You do your part to address your difficulties, but you leave the outcome up to God and trust that whatever He does will be for your highest good.
Trusting in God involves two core beliefs:
1. While you make reasonable efforts to enhance your life, you trust that everything that happens to you ultimately comes from God for your highest good. (You will know when you have achieved a level of this belief when you feel a measure of peace and acceptance toward your challenges, even as you do your best to address them.)
2. Because God loves you and can do anything, trust and expect that He will help you. (When and how He decides.) No matter how bleak things look, in an instant, God can help you in miraculous ways. (You will know when you have achieved a level of this belief when you feel optimistic and hopeful. You do your part, and expect that God will help you; perhaps not in the way you anticipated, but when and what you need.)
To enhance your faith, try the following: Tune into God’s presence, which surrounds you always. Then think about a difficulty and speak to God from your heart, asking for His help, preferably out loud. Here’s one possibility: “God, I know You are here, listening to me right now. I know that everything in my life comes from You for my highest good and out of Your love for me. Even though I believe that, I’m having trouble seeing the good in my challenges. I’m in a lot of pain. Without You, I am helpless and powerless. But with Your help, anything is possible! You can instantaneously solve my problems. I need Your help! Please help me with this challenge! Please help me feel Your guidance, strength and love. Help me trust in You and accept Your will. I surrender to You.”
A shorter version: “God, I know that this challenge is from You for my ultimate benefit and out of Your love for me. Please guide me to do my part to overcome this challenge and to make the most of my life now. I trust You. I accept Your will. I thank You for all the hidden and revealed ways You are helping me. I love You and I surrender to You.”
When speaking to God, it’s important to first thank Him for His blessings and to try to feel gratitude and love for Him. No matter how difficult your life is right now, you have a choice of either only focusing on your difficulties, or also appreciating your blessings.
Dating coach Jackie Glaser, jackieglaser.com, shared the following words of inspiration during an interview with her husband Aharon for the podcast (meaningfulminute.org), Stories of Hope with Tzipora Grodko, “Married at 44, Baby at 50: A Story of Faith & Resilience.” She compared waiting for God to help us with a challenge to a baby waiting for their mother to warm up the milk. The baby is crying, wondering where the milk is, but the mother knows that she's warming up the milk and that the baby will soon get it. Even while you cry out in pain to God, know that He's warming up the milk for you! He’s preparing your personal salvation.
Talking specifically about the "milk" of waiting to find one’s spouse, Jackie said, "And for some people, that milk will come in different forms, in different times, in different ways, in different packages and sometimes even in a different lifetime, for some people. But you just have to know that it's coming from love and it's for your good and we're going to thank God for that. It's so hard to say in the middle of the pain. If someone's in pain I wouldn't say that, I would give them a hug, but that's the truth..."
A five step spiritual plan to deal with being single or any life challenge:
1. Talk to yourself words of faith. The next time you think about a challenge, and you hear the voice in your head saying, “No! This is bad!” Calmly and compassionately, remind yourself that everything that happens to you comes from God for your highest good and that this too is for your ultimate benefit. See if instead of resisting the challenge, you can be more accepting of it and say to yourself, “Ok. I will grow from this,” or perhaps, “Yes! This will work out,” or even, “Thank you God! I will benefit from this!” In addition, preferably daily, read spiritual works or listen to classes on faith.
2. Pray. Talk out loud to God in your native language, thank Him for His blessings and ask for His help. Don’t pray that a particular relationship works out (or for a specific outcome; only God knows what’s best for us). Pray for clarity. Pray for help with an issue. Pray that God sends you your spouse. Pray for other singles as well. Pray even for those who rejected you, that they too find someone right for them. If you’re feeling drained or overwhelmed, you can just ask God to give you strength. As challenges come up during the day, turn to Him for help with them. In the moment of peak stress, when you're not sure if things will work out or even in a moment of pain, after you experience a setback, rejection, failure, or loss, remind yourself that God is in total control and is guiding your life for your ultimate good.
3. Make reasonable efforts. To find a spouse, work on your issues and become your best self, ask a mentor or dating coach for advice, and actively look for dates. When you go out on a date, give them your undivided attention and see if this relationship can work (if it can’t, think if you know anyone for them). Even while you put in the effort to find a spouse, know that ultimately God is the Matchmaker. He is the One who will decide when and who you marry.
4. Expect God’s help. Open your vessel wider to receive God’s blessing by believing and expecting that He will send you blessing (if you do your part). God has given you everything you have in life. He is limitless and wants to shower you with blessing. Be open to receiving them and don’t place unrealistic demands on the type of blessing you are willing to receive. (For example, a man insisting on a woman much younger than him, or a woman insisting on a man with a high-paying job, or either one insisting on someone who not only do they find attractive, but they think their friends will also find attractive. When in doubt, speak to your mentor.)
5. Rely on God. Cultivate that calm, peaceful feeling that comes with knowing that God has your back and that you can relax into His support. Ask yourself, “If I fully believed that God was overseeing every aspect of my life and that He will send my spouse at the right time, how would I feel right now?” Relax into that feeling of being loved and supported. Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik wrote (Essay on Bitachon: 32), “The main point of trust (in God) is quieting your spirit and heart and casting upon God your burden.” Every day, as best you can, tap into that feeling of peace, acceptance and letting go that comes with relying on God.
The 3 stages of trusting in God
The journey of strengthening one's faith often progresses along three stages. This journey often involves two steps forward and one step back. The first phase is where you talk to yourself and to God words of faith, even though they may not resonate with you. During this phase, you may experience the first four stages of grief as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross which are denial, anger, bargaining and depression (or sadness). Then comes the second stage of faith which is characterized by acceptance (Elisabeth's 5th and final stage of grieving), where your resistance to your challenges lessens, but you're still not feeling that release of "letting go and letting God." Then comes the third stage of faith, this is where you surrender to God and trust Him to lead you where you need to go. Even after you reach the third stage, you may get triggered by something and find yourself back at the first stage feeling denial, anger, bargaining or sadness. That's normal. You start again to move to the second stage, of acceptance, and then to the third stage. This time around though, you may notice that the third stage of surrender feels even deeper than before, and the cycle continues.
3 mindsets to have when dealing with a challenge:
1. Realize that you’re not alone. God has your back. He is with you, giving you the strength you need to persevere. (Speak to God, thank Him for the blessings in your life and even for this difficulty which is for your highest good. After you’ve thanked Him, ask for His help.)
2. Embrace or at least accept the challenge and as best you can, surrender to God’s will. Acknowledge that God’s ways are beyond you and trust that somehow this challenge is for your ultimate good.
3. Make reasonable efforts to address the difficulty (which often includes asking others for advice or help).
Bring to mind a challenge, and think about which of these 3 mindsets do you need to strengthen?
Perhaps you feel very alone and weighed down by your problems. You may find reciting Psalms and talking to God helpful. Perhaps you already are speaking to God daily and asking for His help, but you rarely thank Him and feel gratitude for what is going right in your life.
Perhaps you resist your challenges and tense up just thinking about them. Listening to classes and reading works on faith may help you become more accepting.
Perhaps you are spending too much time and energy frantically searching for solutions, and you may need to ease up. Perhaps you have given up hope and have stopped trying, or you mistakenly think that if you trust in God you don’t have to make any efforts. You may find it helpful to speak to your spiritual mentor for encouragement and advice.
It is challenging dealing with a challenge!
But if God gave it to you, He knows that you can handle it and that you will become stronger because of it.
To be notified of new articles or book releases, you can subscribe at https://jacobweiland.substack.com.
This chapter was taken from my new book, Make It Personal.
